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parhelion (neshemah)

from parhelion by freya crescent

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lyrics

in bed but my brain’s churning. on my ceiling i see projections of myself burning. i think she means to cleanse me, but really it lends me mere yearning.

i try to think of dear friends. uneasy feeling makes my thoughts drift to ones i won’t see again. my lungs constrict and my neck goes numb, and i can’t pretend.

so i remember these breathing patterns my shrink taught me. and for a while, it helps.

yeah, it all feels better 'til i close my eyes.
so i try not to close my eyes.

but all over the walls, i feel the pressure of ten thousand faces trying to reveal all of my deepest thoughts, and my throat ties in knots, and i don’t think i was meant to heal.

but i practice these breathing patterns my shrink taught me. and i hope that the more i do it, the more it'll help. i guess we’ll see.

because it all feels better 'til i close my eyes.
but when i close my eyes…

he’s standing above me. it’s nuclear fallout. his hand is at my throat. i’m trying to call out. i’m trying to call out. his hand is at my throat. this pale manifesto, it’s my suicide note. i’m letting it all out--

and then i open my eyes. i’m puking my guts out, on this tile floor now. i’m trying to call out. i feel my throat open and i’m gasping for air. on my hands and knees, now, she speaks to me in this prayer:

“it’s just me and you alone. i forgive you. welcome home. remember who you are, now, and rest.”

i wipe my face off and see something odd that looks like me. i find my voice again, and start cleaning this mess.

credits

from parhelion, released February 19, 2019

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freya crescent Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

no one's gonna drag you up to get into the light where you belong

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