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parhelion

by freya crescent

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1.
when you threw your arms around me, i mistook it for an embrace. but then you dragged me to the floor, and i failed to kick myself loose, with no expression on my face. reborn and reborn and reborn yet again, for who knows how long. she's frowning down upon me now. i know i've done something wrong. i still haven't come out correctly, i still haven't come out the way i'm supposed to. when you tried to hand me your affection, i mistook it for a fist. and so, i withdrew so deep inside myself that i swear i stopped existing. and i hoped, and i hoped, and i hoped for better luck next time. reborn and reborn and reborn yet again, for who knows how long. she's frowning down upon me now. i know i've done something wrong. and i know we both used to think that i deserved this. (plucking feathers from my skin)
2.
you camouflage my corpse in sharp, shattered glass. i blend in. make it look like i fell myself. make the stab wounds invisible. pretending i'm ending. safety, i lack. i'm always standing on my toes. a beetle turned over on its back, convulsing in its final throes. keep me silent and afraid. threaten my friends with a word or a blade. then parade through the streets as the kindness brigade. a beetle turned over on its back, convulsing in its final throes. you spin your moral compass around. where it stops, nobody knows. how long underground? losing track. fresh carrion for your vultures to eat. swallow me, choke me down. i'm discouraged, to say the least. it's hard to keep a steady pace competing for last place.
3.
capra demon 03:20
spotlight gets smashed, curtains get closed, then i am grabbed by the wrists and they won't let go. hood on my head, publicly stoned, then i am led to the gallows and i sway there alone. but a few days later i find-- chased by the crowd, hands tied up tight-- a new neighbor. someone i knew in another place and time. our sunken eyes meet, and our bodies swing in sync. can't say you're my best friend, but i don't think anyone else knows what this is like. sometimes our wrists touch for a moment. it's nice to know someone else is here. the wind bites my ankles at night. a wink and a nod lets me know it's all right. our sunken eyes meet, and our bodies swing in sync. i wouldn't wish this on a demon in hell, but i'm not by myself. at least i'm not by myself.
4.
ships come ashore with holes in the sails. i stand in place for seven hours. reading every piece of mail. fold origami stars to pass the time. scribble notes to pass the time. anything at all to pass the time until the next life. ~ every day when i'm awake, i wonder when they'll learn i'm a fake. i was born just a year ago, i'd never seen where people go to toss out their paintbrushes. i never came here 'cause i didn't want to know. there always comes a time to leave, and never a time to believe. ~ but all i want is to be told, "we forgive you, please come home, this place hasn't been the same since the day you left." these are words i'll never hear. i'll just be outside, always near, freezing to death and knowing that this is best.
5.
they dig me up and bury me again, ad infinitum. two years in cryo prison. don't you think that that's enough? no, no, so i overdosed on pills. so, the nurses let me pass. the nurses let me pass on. ~ now, undead, i pace a frozen half-world. they took my teeth and both my claws. when i'm pained and sore; when it rains, it pours. brightly burning boiling blood, spilling from every gash. i slow my pace as i fall to my knees, tongue sticking out to cash the ash. this winter's gonna be a killer. i can taste it.
6.
when you're at the bottom of the well, when you're crushed beneath tires, when you're suffocating with a bag on your head, when you're electrocuted by live wires, when your feet are stepping on a razor blade floor, when your hands are caught in the gears, don't fear. only way to go is up from here. when you spend every day fantasizing about the end, when you're drained and defeated and fucked, when you're locked in a cage with your illness, when you know that you're out of luck, when you're looking for release and find it, when your blood drips down to outweigh the tears, don't fear. only way to go is up from here. when you're curled up on the ground 'cause you just couldn't do it, when you know you've gotta live through the year, don't fear. only way to go is up from here. ~ the joke of the century has got no punchline. it's putting your faith in tangible things. hope gets you nowhere, but i'm getting somewhere. upward! onward! skyward! wait and see!
7.
when i go a day without seeing my reflection, i forget that i look bad. then when i see myself again, i forget who i'm looking at. and when i go a day without eating, i forget how it tastes. then when there's food in my stomach again, i forget that i ever ached. when i almost didn't eat dinner today, there was a voice from beyond to remind me. when i was staring at my face in the glass today, there was a voice that i knew would find me. southern wind of change, opal stone of the beginning of a new age, goddess of recovery, i will seek you and see you within me. i wanted to try to tear my body to shreds. i forgot that i can't anymore. when i'm hanging from a rope in the shed, she will cut the cord. when i almost didn't take care of myself, there was a voice from beyond to remind me. when i was just about to put my fist through the wall, there was a voice that i knew would find me.
8.
in bed but my brain’s churning. on my ceiling i see projections of myself burning. i think she means to cleanse me, but really it lends me mere yearning. i try to think of dear friends. uneasy feeling makes my thoughts drift to ones i won’t see again. my lungs constrict and my neck goes numb, and i can’t pretend. so i remember these breathing patterns my shrink taught me. and for a while, it helps. yeah, it all feels better 'til i close my eyes. so i try not to close my eyes. but all over the walls, i feel the pressure of ten thousand faces trying to reveal all of my deepest thoughts, and my throat ties in knots, and i don’t think i was meant to heal. but i practice these breathing patterns my shrink taught me. and i hope that the more i do it, the more it'll help. i guess we’ll see. because it all feels better 'til i close my eyes. but when i close my eyes… he’s standing above me. it’s nuclear fallout. his hand is at my throat. i’m trying to call out. i’m trying to call out. his hand is at my throat. this pale manifesto, it’s my suicide note. i’m letting it all out-- and then i open my eyes. i’m puking my guts out, on this tile floor now. i’m trying to call out. i feel my throat open and i’m gasping for air. on my hands and knees, now, she speaks to me in this prayer: “it’s just me and you alone. i forgive you. welcome home. remember who you are, now, and rest.” i wipe my face off and see something odd that looks like me. i find my voice again, and start cleaning this mess.

about

these songs were written, recorded, and roughly mixed in the first few months of 2017. shortly after, computer failure resulted in a massive loss of data, meaning the album was never able to be completed as originally intended.

and so, this collection of recordings consists of the rough mixes that were salvaged for 7 of the original 10 tracks, as well as a November 2018 version of the album's closing track.

it's a record about figuring out that you didn't survive by some fluke-- in fact, you had it in you all along, somehow. maybe you don't have as many pieces as you used to, but you've got enough. funny how it works out.

she's speaking for you. listen for her.

credits

released February 19, 2019

written, arranged, performed, recorded by c.f. cessna

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freya crescent Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

no one's gonna drag you up to get into the light where you belong

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