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saltire

by freya crescent

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1.
eyes like a raccoon’s, a voice like a child’s. bared rows of sharp fangs when it smiled. it swallowed me, it choked me down. now i live my life underneath the ground. nobody sees me. nobody hears me. at least, for now.
2.
pink dots on the table and floating in front of my eyes, burning a hole in my pocket and searing the back of my mind. i hit my head hard on the corner of the wood. i hit my head hard, and fell down right where i'd stood. i scraped up both my hands, and i tumbled like some dice. i slipped without the ice. i'm clumsy but i'm nice. yeah, at least i'm nice.
3.
kitchen knife tears a hole in the sky. stars get born, stars die. kitchen knife tears a hole in the sky. stars get born, then stars die. i've been born. end is nigh. people are born, then they die. will people mourn when i die? when i die, end is nigh.
4.
i remember you, porcupine. barbed-wire legs. scratch all night. weak systems catch a cold. dysphoric and vulnerable. i'm stuck with the mess. no one else is going to clean it up. i strive for “success” but expect much worse. pins and needles, prickly. ants and beetles, centipedes crawling all across my body. scarabs on my face. Anubis, find me well.
5.
a bump on the neck. stab it to drain. out of saliva. no stranger to pain. face too funny to break. too much money to lose. living in the red but stuck on the blues. a harpoon, a harpoon, a harpoon
6.
7.
i am alone except for the eyes peering down at me from every wall. they do not blink. no, they don’t blink at all. i am alone except for the voices, like drums in the darkness of the hall. so loud i can't hear myself think. thinking i'm something that i know i'm not. i know just what they want. i hope i can suffer more for you. i’m in the 9th circle, forever more to chew. i’m not holding up well. i’m leaving this rock. it feels like i broke both my hands. knowing i'm something that i thought i was not. i know just what i've got to do. i hope i can suffer more for you.
8.
this vessel is full to the brim with thoughts of another night spent on ice. welcome in, take your time. help yourself. i've been fine. close my eyes. well, that's a sign. the know it all dropped the ball. field of mines. i should have sprouted feathers from my skin and taken flight. every night i'm picking fights that only serve to prove you right. fill in all the blanks you can. forgot to hit the lights. hello, beacon.
9.
you imagine me in freefall from a few thousand feet. salivating for defeat. i found a hole that fits me perfectly, and i crush myself within it. 'cause i can't help but stretch too thin. eviscerate a feeling. glow in the sun. get this close? you'd scorch anyone. uncomfortably hot. thoughts all tied up in knots. roasting 'till i rot, all i see is pink dots.

about

/// in an alternate universe, this album is called "Saint Anger" ///

this is a record about languishing for months after a suicide attempt, with a very clear intent on trying again, in a state of absolute isolation from society. when this was written, the end was not just in sight, but within reach.

how the author survived remains somewhat of a mystery, but know that she's doing a lot better now, thank you.

credits

released November 13, 2015

written, arranged, performed, recorded by c.f. cessna

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about

freya crescent Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

no one's gonna drag you up to get into the light where you belong

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