i'm stuck here forever

by freya crescent

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about

this album is about losing someone you cared a lot about with very little warning, and the long road to recovering your sense of self while knowing you must keep moving forward.

no profit will be made from this music. proceeds from the sale of this album will be donated to the organization PAAR (Pittsburgh Action Against Rape): paar.net

if you have questions, feel free to email: clairecessna@gmail.com

credits

released July 25, 2016

written, arranged, performed, recorded by c.f. cessna

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about

freya crescent Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

please let me exist i'm not hurting anyone just let me exist i'm not hurting anyone just let me exist i'm not hurting anyone just let me exist i'm not hurting anyone just let me exist i'm not hurting anyone just let me exist i'm not hurting anyone just let me exist i'm not hurting anyone just let me exist i'm not hurting anyone just let me exist i'm not hurting anyone just let me exist ... more

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Track Name: glass cannon
smashed is the glass that you dropped on the ground. lost is that foreign coin you once found. o, precious things we’re deprived of so easily... but if we let them go, then how important were they?

no weapon formed against me shall prosper. my path will reveal itself to me in due time. everything’s eternal when you’ve got a spine, and a cosmic shoulder on which you can cry.

i always thought i was different. I was not. ask me how i ended up here in this comatose state. i have succumbed to that special kind of rot that only afflicts those trees that stayed too long in the shade.

la la la
Track Name: reticulating splines
feigning interest in loathsome fate. 22 years, still sleeps with lights on. must remove worm from throat. must descend. must not spend time with ghost.

disposable camera view of washed out city. water turned to sludge. purple sky. over-exposed. crossed eyes. red devil pulling white strings. been missing for 6 months; see what the new year brings.
Track Name: hungry, dissimilar to the wolf
had the wings of a housefly caught in the back of my throat. this is the third draft of my suicide note. i dipped my fingers into the vat of acid and swirled them around a bit.

yellow and blue hounds. can’t tell if they’re on my side. fresh batch of black thoughts, chopped up and fried. saliva glands working at full steam. time to open wide.

orange firecrackers acting as my new alarm. breathe softly on my neck and i’ll feel it in my arm. i’ll dip my fingers into the vat of acid and swirl them around a bit.

rubbing the whites of my eyes, the pink dots have multiplied. down here on the brown riverbank, transfixed on the dark green tide-- scattered with debris and warning signs, crashing down upon my vulnerable hide. it’s time to open wide.
Track Name: a cat and a rabbit
walking past the hedges, i spotted two new friends cautiously approaching one another. red leaves had just started falling a few weeks prior, and i was just beginning to learn how to suffer.

one had black fur, the other had tan, and i had an urge to act on destructive plans.

i don’t believe in fate. i don’t believe things will turn out great. but i’m alive another day.

a chance meeting between two pure souls. minutes later, they would return to their holes and prepare themselves for the cold to come.
Track Name: amazing grave! how sweet, the ground!
the records you play on repeat never say anything. when i finally get the guts, i don’t want celebration. burn my birth certificate. forget i was here, forget i was ever here.

i remember being full of colors, cobalt and seafoam-green. now my gaze is nice and grey. i’ll never be your girl again unless you ask me to.

i hope these pills will fix me up. i hope they will make my brain strong. i am still a worm in the dirt, burrowing all night long.
Track Name: keep circulating the tapes
the earth went dark.

i’m a goddess made of paper and string. i care not for mortal things. i care not for mortal things. i’m not living free or easy. the seeds sprout up just to see me. the seeds sprout up.

reckless feet and restless legs. drink me to the dregs. take me down a peg. orders stand to kill on sight. long gone is our fight. time to say goodnight. fill me up with daylight, i'll laugh myself to death.

i’m not living free or easy, begging my jailors to please release me. begging my jailors, "please... release me." i’m a goddess made of paper and string. you won’t know when i’m lying. you won’t know when i’m lying.
Track Name: listening to the andrews sisters in a funeral home parking lot
mother, o, mother, keep me close when my back’s been rubbed raw against the ropes. when my hands are tied, please give me strength to press onward through the wind and the rain.

whether you’re at the hospital, or you’re sleeping on the couch with the television blaring, i know you’re fearing for my safety. i know you’re fearing for my life.

but i’ll hold on for as long as i can. i can promise that. i just don’t know how long my grip will last. no, i don’t know how long that will last.
Track Name: the jef and paul award for excellence in shopping centers
i must cherish my city; it won’t be here for long! when i’m through there’ll just be hurricanes, and volcanoes with lava flows, and meteors crashing down from on high. i am not strong, but my fear is. i am not strong, but my worst nightmares are.

they’re coming down my chimney. they’re crawling through the window frame. they’re underneath my floorboards. they’re transfixed upon causing this pain. a toast to good health, now split my head open! i know what you’re thinking, so why don’t you just go, then? when there’s no more guidance we’ll all become princes. no more taxis-- just ambulances!

it was freeing to feel so beautiful. it was beautiful to feel so free. spent a long time feeling close to everything. now i no longer feel much of anything. and now i’m sorting through piles of garbage on my floor to find a suitable replacement for what i used to look for. when i give up on this useless chore, i’ll go to my tape deck and press record.
Track Name: i create as i speak
you could make a wormhole in your wall. it could lead right to me and i would come when you call. and i could make a circle in the dirt, a ritual to make sure my body still works.

tear me apart please, just tear me apart. i need for you to tear me apart. rip out the pieces that i won’t need. tear up the pieces that swallowed me.

everything is eternal
(except for how i feel right now)
(except for this tiny spark of light)
(except for this fleeting sense of hope)
(except for my fickle little mind)
(except for that patient expertise)
(except for that calm and tranquil howl)
(except for my safety and my repose)
(except for how i feel right now)
Track Name: frost nova
stop me in my tracks. absolute zero. ancient currency in stacks. the shield of Augustus, the reign of Nero.

it started the way i began. it ended the same way i will end: betrayed and deserted and dead. fucked over, abandoned and dead.

but give me a second shot and i can bloom. i can sing a different tune. give me a chance, if they would just give me a chance; i’m on my last legs but i could still dance.

it might be over soon, but it’s not over yet. i gave up on pride. i’ll pay off my debts. can i do it over? can i come back in? i can fix myself if i can start again.

but if i’m stuck here forever, i guess i’ll close my eyes and remember when things were better; when things were "better."